Tiny Twig Goes Out on a Limb

Long Summer Days

I needed a creative moment.  Some time to work with my fingers.  A few minutes in the analog world of here and now.  So, I strung a necklace of semi-precious gemstones and brass--and I LOVE it.  It layers well with other necklaces, it spruces up a t-shirt, and it's stretchy so I just pull it over my head. 

I challenge you today, take a break from technology for just an hour.  Turn off all forms of media and communication and just be.  Make something, read, have tea, talk with a friend or your spouse.  Just get away--mentally--for awhile.  It did a world of wonders for me, and I'm guessing you might benefit from a break, too.

I purchased two books to read next week (Room and The Glass Castle)--and I am beyond excited.  Something about reading fiction just gives my brain a break.  I love being absorbed into a story, and I'm one of those people that feels lonely without the characters when I finish a book. 

These long summer days demand a break every once in awhile.  When the sun is up for 2/3 of our 24 hours, I can be tempted to fill up every light moment with something.  But, I have found myself exhausted following that plan.  So, in the waning months of summer, I plan to take a few breaks throughout the day to just be a little lazy and get caught up in a project or a book or a relationship.  You with me?

Sweet Cooper

These two...oh, these two.  They are so alike that Cooper drives Husband absolutely nuts 3/4 of the time.  They are lovably mischevious and love to press people's buttons.  It normally gets a laugh, but when they press each other's buttons...oooooooey. 

When Cooper was born, I was having a hard time feeling as connected to him as I did Noah.  You know how it goes, with the first born you learn and come to know what every little whimper, look, cry and noise means.  You know their personality inside and out, because it is just you and them vs. the world.  All the hours in the day, every minute...it's theirs.  Not so with baby number 2.

So, I prayed every night that God would bond Cooper and I together and give us something special.  Slowly, but surely (and of course!), I started to learn Cooper.  And now, almost 3 years later...I see the answer to my prayer.  He knit Cooper together to be so much like his daddy that I couldn't help but fall madly in love with him.  To find lovable what other's may find trying...to find hilarious what others may roll their eyes at.  That is the kind of fondness I have for my Cooper. 

He is my middle, my opinionated, hilarious, crazy-pants middle boy.  What would I do without my sweet Cooper? 

Have you ever had a hard time bonding with a certain kid?  What did you do about it?  Did it resolve itself?  What does that relationship look like now?  I know that I am so thankful that God sewed a sweet spot in my heart for baby Cooper, because now he's just the apple of my eye (and to be honest, the craziest of the 3!).

On the NICU and Closure

On Saturday night, Husband and I went out to celebrate my birthday.  Part of our celebration included swinging by the NICU to say thank you and gain some closure after our time there with Asher.  I, in particular, had been feeling like it was such an otherworldly experience.  So, we went to claim victory of sorts.  We drove the familiar drive, ascended in the familiar elevator, walked by the familiar scrub stations...and...and...just smiled.  Our baby wasn't there.  He was home with his Papa and brothers, enjoying a boys' night.

We were able to see one of his nurses and give her hugs and show her recent pictures of Asher.  She was so encouraging and so wonderful, just as she had been when Asher was in her care.  She was genuinely so thrilled to hear of his good progress since his discharge.  After we said goodbye to her, we snapped a picture in the familiar hallway.  This time, I think we look a little more rested, a lot less worried, and a little wiser from the process.

I feel like I finally processed it all a little bit.  To be honest, I am planning to do more of that in counseling over the next weeks.  I don't know what that looks like, or even what I am hoping to achieve.  However, I do know that it still feels a little bit like it happened to someone else...or maybe a Hayley robot.  I just don't feel connected to the whole experience...and that means, I don't feel connected with my sweet boys' early days.  I really want to reclaim those days as mine, if that makes any sense at all. 

But, truth is, we have our Asher.  He is safe and he is well.  Our God was so good to us in answering our prayers in such decisive and visible ways.  I am so thankful.

Postpartum Depression and Anxiety

Where have I been?  Well, to be transparent, I got knocked with a pretty solid case of postpartum depression and anxiety.  As soon as Asher was well and home and the adrenaline wore off, it was like the hormones kicked into overdrive.  Add on top of that Asher's very serious illness and resulting NICU stay, and suddenly I felt very aware that the world is an uncertain place.  It was paralyzing.  It was so hard, but thankfully it was also fairly shortlived.  Husband was excellent at making sure we got on top of it quickly, and I am now well on my way back to normal.  Yesterday, I looked in the backseat of the van and thought, "Wow!  So fun that we have 3 boys!" rather than "Wow!  How in the world will I manage with 3 boys AND what.if.something.happens.to.them????".  It was the first time that had happened in about a month.  I think that means I am on the upswing.  Praise God, seriously. 

If you have a baby and start to feel more than a little bluesy, PLEASE talk to your husband, your doctor, your mom...anybody.  Let them know how you are feeling.  It is so worth it to get help and to start feeling more like yourself again.  No reason to go months without figuring it out.  You may just need some extra rest, but you may also benefit from counseling or medication.  Everyone is different, but no one needs to feel horrible so soon after such a blessed thing as a baby. 

Television without Cable and Football

source

Husband and I are trying to think of ways to get creative with the media we consume.  We would love to cancel cable, as the only thing we really watch is ESPN (and boy howdy do we LOVE our ESPN!!).  Do you have a set-up that works well for you?  What subscription services do you use?  What products do you use?  What do you do for sports games, etc that may not be on network television?  Would love your thoughts in the comments--OR--if you've blogged about it in the past leave a link to that post in the comments. 

Also...

a.  we recently started watching Friday Night Lights.  good stuff.  heard RAVE reviews from lots of people.

b.  the NFL lockout may be coming to an end this week.  joy of all joys. 

c.  i love football.