Andrea is a graphic designer by trade and an all around amazing creative woman who currently lives in Charlotte, NC. She is the talented artist behind the header of Tiny Twig and the handwritten typography on the blog. For the past 5 years, her husband has spent the past five years studying for his Master's degree in Charlotte and across the pond at Cambridge University. She and her husband will soon be moving to Texas to pursue her husband's PhD in Philosophy at Baylor University.
field guide: herd of perpetual-students in their natural habitat
1. thrive on thrift.
Living on a student's stipend (if you even have one) or only one (real) salary makes money tight. You must learn to sail the sales and thrive on thrift. I still want quality but at a lower price so I frequent thrift shops, antique stores and consignment shops for furniture/decor items. For clothing I use birthday and christmas money, shop SALES at the "nice stores," or peruse T.J. MAXX-like shops. We try to base our meals on weekly sales at the grocery store. Another big money saver is not going out to eat. Bringing your lunch and only going out on special occasions also doubles as a healthier way to eat. We recently cut our cable and opted for Netflix and Hulu alone. It's cheaper, and you end up spending less time wasting time as your viewing is more intentional. We definitely aren't militant with our budget, however, but instead made a lifestyle change toward living simply without worrying about pinching every penny.
2. embrace role-reversal.
When you're the wife of a perpetual-student you can expect some degree of role reversal to occur. Many student-wives are acting-sugar-mommas and I am one of them. I work full-time and bring home the bacon, which B then cooks into something tasty and has waiting for me on the table each night (he's a GREAT cook for which I am so thankful). It's very important that you and your man understand the reasons for your role reversal and that you're both okay with it. Some men can feel emasculated and some women may feel used, but if you have an understanding that your roles are temporary and necessary you can avoid those feelings. If you are both giving then you will both be receiving, and no one will become bitter.
3. learn to argue...well.
When your husband is steeped in the world of academia, suppositions, premises, conclusions and arguments you need to learn to, well...argue well. Most of your lessons will come over time through experience but it helps to study up on a few rules of logic as a foundation. When you begin to win arguments by pointing out logical fallacies you will know you've arrived, and it will be bliss! This preparation will also help you avoid many vicious circles, misunderstandings, and arguments themselves (but not all of them, that's for sure).
4. spend quality, not quantity, time.
When your husband is a perpetual student his job is never done. My husband took evening classes all through his masters degree which compounded this fact. When your schedules don't often overlap make the hours you do have together quality time. Find activities you can enjoy doing together but also find relaxing ways to spend down-time so that "time with husband" doesn't become another item on the TO DO list. Make sure you guard your time with your husband. If he is only home Tuesday nights and that's when your Bible study meets, then perhaps you shouldn't participate this term. Don't put your activities before your relationship, even if they are good things to do.
5. have hobbies.
As I mentioned, when you're married to a perpetual-student you may find yourself spending a lot of evening hours alone or with a preoccupied husband in the room. This will invariably result in your attempting to talk to him and his (hopefully patiently) saying "Sorry, I'm trying to study, I can't talk right now," which you will forget moments later as you begin to verbalize another portion of your stream of consciousness. Your life will be much more pleasant if you have your OWN things you're distracted with. Learn to knit, master cooking, do crafts, read books, learn a language, join a Bible study that doesn't meet on a Tuesday. You will also feel great when you accomplish something and enjoyed doing it!
6. learn what he's learning.
Take time to learn about what your husband is studying, and care about it too. Don't tune him out when he's filling you in on his next paper topic, and if you're brave read his paper too. Perhaps the best method I've discovered for learning what he's learning is eavesdropping on his discussions with friends. I am often a bit miffed when groups split into guys and girls because I love to listen to what the guys are discussing. You soak up so much even if some (or most) of it goes over your head (my husband studies philosophy so I know about that). Not that we ladies don't have great conversations and discussions too, but these are great opportunities to immerse yourself. It's just so enjoyable and gratifying when you can have discussions with him about his subject, and it also means you're getting to know him that much better. I've heard of some professor-wives who have never even read their husbands' books. I think that's lame and that they're missing out. This is true for any relationship, obviously, but I think it may be especially important when your husband is a student. I am a designer and it's one of the best feelings when Brandon says "ew, did you see how bad that logo was?" "oh my gosh, they used the font papyrus!" or "oh, they have great design!"
7. let him buy books.
They may be his hobby but they're also his tools.
8. remember that his job is studying.
Student-husbands often appear to be sitting at home doing nothing. You must (daily?) fight the urge to believe that is true. Studying is your husband's job. My husband's night classes made that even harder to remember, but remember it we must. Reading, writing, and sometimes just sitting and thinking are all important tasks for him. When reading is also his hobby it is especially hard, but be thankful he is doing what he loves. I am blessed to have an extremely organized and motivated husband who writes out daily reading plans in hourly intervals, and that makes this easier.
9. refresh together.
Mental time off is also very important for a perpetual-student so he can keep his mind fresh. Let him take a break from reading on the couch to watch something on the couch and sit and watch it with him. Sometimes you may even need to force him to take those breaks, and if so, DO.
10. encourage your student.
"The more you know, the more you know you don't know." This is extremely true especially when you're immersed in academia. Perpetual-students often feel like they are drowning in a sea of information, knowledge and books-they-haven't-read-yet. Try to keep your student afloat by giving him words of affirmation. Ask him to explain the things he does know to you and he will really feel intelligent by comparison. :) It can be very helpful for him to have to think through how to summarize an idea into an understandable explanation and you will learn from it as well. Sometimes you will feel like you're not qualified to tell him how smart he is, but it helps, trust me. And you ARE qualified to tell him how wise he is, how much you respect him, and that YOU think he's a genius. :)
