Tiny Twig Goes Out on a Limb

Perfectionism and Grace for the Good Girl

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I am a planner.  I like plans.  I like being intentional, and I like making good choices and decisions.  Blame it on my first born tendencies, I certainly did for a long while.  But, I think a lot of this fact is that I am afraid to fail.  I am afraid to make less than perfect decisions.  I don't want to just make good decisions, I want to make perfect decisions. 

I live in a world of affluent Dave Ramsey advocates and Master's educated influencers.  I live in a world of good Christian men and women who are active and prominent in our community.  I live in a world of sky high expectation, to say the least.

But, the one who expects the most of me is...me.  I am a good girl.  I like to make pretty and nice like a good girl.  I would hate to be thought less of because of a hypothetical big mistake (or bad choice) I may make.  That'd be my pride talking.  And also my lack of Grace for myself (and others, if we really want to be honest...). 

That is why adventure is good for me.  The little adventures in life leave room to fail.  Failing at a new craft or a small and kind of silly plan is palatable and good practice for the inevitable life failures. 

I ordered this book, Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman.  She is the awfully sweet little sis of my good friend the Nester.  But, I think Emily may as well be my twin--because her words echo loud in the walls of my heart.  I can't wait to let her words soak in (and I get to hear her speak at Relevant in October!).

By going out on a limb, taking small leaps, and figuring it out as I go--I make room in my heart for failure.  I prove to myself that the world keeps spinning, the no one notices, that there.is.still.love.  Go easy on your sweet self if you struggle like I do. Take a small leap today...it's the only way to learn. 

Your Sweetness: Loving during Your Best Time of Day

Who gets your sweetness?  Your ooey gooey, most loving and giving part of yourself?  Who gets the reap the benefits of the best you?  Who spends time with you during your best part of the day?

What is the best part of your day? 

And, who are the poor souls who have the endure the moments during your...not best...part of the day? 

What is the time of day you drag and struggle through?

These are all things that are good to know about ourselves.  You can maintain your schedule so that you love the best during your most "loving" times and work the hardest during your most "focused" times.

I know that I am chipper and in the mood to discuss life early in the morning.  My husband...is not.  He would prefer to go about his morning in a fog--until he wakes up on the drive into work.  Now, I could get my feelings hurt and resent him for not connecting with me...or, I could find someone else to give my love to in those moments.

Luckily, Cooper, that sweet and smushy boy above, is the most snuggly and sweet boy in the mornings.  I have found that it is the perfect time to give him some attention and love, because he is open and at his most loving time in the morning.  If I spend 10 or 15 minutes just focused on him, snuggling him, talking about what he wants to talk about, whatever...10 minutes and he is so nourished and ready to go for the day. 

His attitude is so much better, because he feels like he has gotten my sweetness.  The best of me for the best of him.  I find with my children that I need to match up our best times. 

Asher and I connect during his last feeding of the day, all hushed and quiet.  I admire his fuzzy hair, brushing my cheek against his tiny head. He nuzzles into me and looks deeply into my eyes.  The best of him and the best of me...our sweetness.

Noah needs some intensive talk time, and he prefers to get some physical touch in there, too.  He likes to lay in bed right before bedtime and talk about his thoughts and have his back scratched.  I think this is the one I struggle with the most, because the kids' bedtime and the end of the day is NOT my best time of the day.  I am tired and ready to transition into "adult" time. 

Can you match those people or tasks up with the times of day you feel at your best for that particular need?  I wonder if I could take some time with Noah to rest and talk during another time rather than bedtime.  He would get more of the best of me, and I would not struggle through it so much.

Take some time to figure out the people you need to love well...or the things you need to do well.  I know if I am intentional with my time, recognizing when I am at my best, I am more effective and life feels like less of a struggle.  I am not trying to shove a square peg in a round hole.

 

 

On the NICU and Closure

On Saturday night, Husband and I went out to celebrate my birthday.  Part of our celebration included swinging by the NICU to say thank you and gain some closure after our time there with Asher.  I, in particular, had been feeling like it was such an otherworldly experience.  So, we went to claim victory of sorts.  We drove the familiar drive, ascended in the familiar elevator, walked by the familiar scrub stations...and...and...just smiled.  Our baby wasn't there.  He was home with his Papa and brothers, enjoying a boys' night.

We were able to see one of his nurses and give her hugs and show her recent pictures of Asher.  She was so encouraging and so wonderful, just as she had been when Asher was in her care.  She was genuinely so thrilled to hear of his good progress since his discharge.  After we said goodbye to her, we snapped a picture in the familiar hallway.  This time, I think we look a little more rested, a lot less worried, and a little wiser from the process.

I feel like I finally processed it all a little bit.  To be honest, I am planning to do more of that in counseling over the next weeks.  I don't know what that looks like, or even what I am hoping to achieve.  However, I do know that it still feels a little bit like it happened to someone else...or maybe a Hayley robot.  I just don't feel connected to the whole experience...and that means, I don't feel connected with my sweet boys' early days.  I really want to reclaim those days as mine, if that makes any sense at all. 

But, truth is, we have our Asher.  He is safe and he is well.  Our God was so good to us in answering our prayers in such decisive and visible ways.  I am so thankful.

If You Met Me

If you met me...

...We'd do an awkward dance as we said hello, because I never know what to do about that hug thing.  Side hug?  Full on embrace?  Tiny-arms-only hug?  It's what makes me most nervous about meeting new people and seeing new-ish friends.

...I would likely be wearing pants, even if it's 90 degrees outside.  I don't like how shorts feel when it's hot and sticky outside.  This annoys my mother to no end, and I wonder if she'll ever get over it. 

...You might see my two boys and nod to my belly and say, "I hope that one, the one in your belly, is a...".  And I'd hop in before you said something to embarrass yourself.  "This one's a boy, too, we're really excited!  And yes, they are crazy!".  You'd be surprised at how many people assume we're disappointed this new baby is a boy.

This is a prompt from Lisa-Jo at The Gypsy Mama, where you engage with the written word for 5 minutes each Friday.  You simply sit down to write and embrace what comes out.  It's a great exercise to get you thinking about the words you write as you write them.  I find that when I know there is no time to go back and edit, I'm more thoughtful about what comes out as I go.

M34 :: My Thoughts on the Business of Being Born

 

On Wednesday night, Husband and I cuddled in to watch the documentary "The Business of Being Born".  He was a sport about it, although he was not thrilled about the naked ladies in the water giving birth.  It is one thing to watch your wife birth your child, and it is a whole different experience watching other women go through the miracle of birth.

And a miracle it is, indeed.  It is also a business.  Those things are both true of birth in America. 

I love learning about business of any form.  I always liken business to an organism that grows and adjusts over time, learning to adapt to the changing climate.  Learning about the business of hospital birth in the United States had me nodding my head.  I agree that our litigous society adds unnecessary cost and some unnecessary interventions to the birth process, but I also understand doctors' needs to protect themselves.  It is an unfortunate side-effect of living in a first-world country.  Many OBs are going out of practice simply because malpractice insurance is so amazingly expensive.  So, that said...I agree with the film that something needs to change.  The process needs to be evaluated, and the best outcome for the individual needs to be constantly sought.

I also completely agree that hospitals are looking to turn over beds, etc.  Because, that is how money is made.  That is capitalism.  That is part of the machine and ideology that you enjoy in a lot of other parts of your life.

My qualm with the film is in the "touchy feely" anecdotal part of the film.  Of course, this is a film--and I understand film technique.  However, I am not going to make the choice of how my baby is born based on the emotional response produced by a biased film.  Especially not when I'm pregnant...and hormonal...and admittedly half-crazy.  :) 

Part of my response to the actual birthing parts of the film is my own personal bent.  I am not an overly touchy person, I like my privacy, and I didn't even want "positive reinforcement" from Husband while in pain, let alone another woman.  So, I was not drawn to that experience in the film. 

Here's what I would love to see in the United States.  This is the non-professional opinion of a pregnant momma.  I would love to see "normal" and "uncomplicated" births attended by midwives in a hospital setting.  It would be lovely if midwives had autonomy in the hospital setting and were not overly burdened by "hospital policies".  Yes, I know that is wishful thinking. There is a lot of nuance in the legalities, the licensing, etc. wrapped up in the business of birth...even varying from state to state. 

However, I do not believe that the natural swing from "over-medicalized" birth is to birth at home.  If you want to do that, go for it!  However, I would like to benefit from the advances in medicine, pain-control, and emergency management should the need arise. I think we can benefit from the knowledge and techniques of midwifery without having to sacrifice the safety of a hospital.  Of course, the right to do so is not open in every state...and that is something to truly fight against. 

I think that it would be beautiful if, in America the land of the free, women were free to make (with their medical professionals) the best decisions for their family.